I'm in the middle of moving and packing etc.

I'm going to do the unthinkable and put all of my teabags into one cannister.

If you want tea at my house it will be an adventure. If you don't like the tea you got. Fuck you. Be thankful you're getting something to drink at all.

The teas that will be combined include:

apple/cinnamon
blackberry
peach/mango
tetleys
PG tips
bedtime
lemon zinger
green tea

Just imagine the flavour combination after they've been sitting in the cannister for about a month or so. MMM Yummy...

Some are decaf, some aren't. If you have a condition that requires you not to have caffeine, good luck to you and may the tea gods be merciful on your soul.

Decided to save any and all toes that may fall off of Squidges feet and have them decorated up and sell them on ebay as Celebration Ornaments. Christmas, Easter, Kwanza, Channuka, etc. Why... Just because... :) ;) Oddly enough there just isn't any place you can buy stuff like this.

I figure for every occassion there could be a little saying that goes with the ornament... kinda like. I just want you toe know I was thinking of you this Christmas. etc.

Now that I'm going through a divorce I need to start thinking of inventive ways to make money.

The church of T.H.C.
Oh, I'm sure you know where this is going, don't ya?

In point form this is what we came up with at a "circle" around the table.

"Watch your faith grow" and we hand out pot seeds in little baggies to our followers - self explanitory.

Our services are held: Sunday, Wednesday, Friday and Monday (in that order and for various lengths in the late afternoon to accomodate sleep-ins)

Communion is held with the symbolic barbeque fritos and grape kool-aid

We offer free grilled cheese (made with real cheese, not that velveeta shit) on Sundays before and after service.

Some of the hymns are: "Go Smoke it on the Mountain" (will add more later)

The only tongue talkers we have are those induced by peanut butter.

Our "bible" is the phone book and we read an awful lot from the "pizza psalms"

We have "JESUS" bingo... the cards are labled across the top "J-E-S-U-S" and we have numbers like "John 4:20" etc.

L.S.D. stands for -- Look, See, Discover (that's what we're all saying and that's that.)

In case there is a shortage in the barbeque frito communion wafer and Kool-Aid supply we will substitute without notice Jack & Jill thin strips and Kaluha.

We will hold Candlelight NyQuil Services to pay homage to something or other... who needs a cause when you won't remember anyway -- NyQuil knocks the fuck out of you in minutes flat.

X-stasy for X-mas. Everyone becomes Merry.

We'll have guest speakers like HuggyBears "Huffin' with the Huggy" and the like.

We're also going to get special privledge funding from the government for our special "Ease the Glaucoma" programmes.

Join us there will ya? Our motto is always first and foremost...
Skin-Up to Win" or "It Takes a "Joint" Effort to Avoid Sin"

Anyhow... 'nuff said.

We'll Keep Ya Posted ")

No car while the hubby and oldest daughter are in England. It's conveniently in the shop. So I'm stuck with good 'ole Sarnia PT. What a joke. I manage to get the baby bundled, walk the 20 min. to the bus stop. It's late by like 20 min. I already missed the first on, so waited the 40 min. for the next one... then the 20 min. extra as it was late. I decide the baby's comfort is not worth risking so I start to head back home totally pissed off of course and then what happens the fucking bus zooms by... Typical. Just another day in my life. If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

*SCREAMING MY HEAD OFF*(On the inside)(On the outside) *Looking quietly discontent*

Funnily enough, eating those two things last night has cured me of my diabolical craving of oreos. I look at them now and I cringe. However, I did have hot dogs wrapped in good 'ole Pillsbury Crescent Pastry. Those too seem to have done my stomach a bit of a mischief.


My family need to get back soon because I can't keep eating this crap.

Oddly enough though I'm losing weight -- go figure.

I highly recommend not to do the following:

Have can of sour cream and onion chips shooter and a 16 oreo cookie chaser!


As good as it might sound, it is NOT a good thing to do!

I'm going to hide Easter chocolate around the house tonight when I'm drunk and see if I can find it all tomorrow. I don't have the kids with me as one is in England and one is at his dads and my youngest is too little to get Easter yet so... Happy Easter to me. I'm going to have hot dogs and french fries tomorrow for Easter Dinner... maybe I'll go all out and have no-name macaroni and cheese. Yummy!

I'm off to go watch my Easter Films. "Death of a President", "Black Dahlia" and "Little Miss Sunshine"

I post to your journal, and nay do I hear from you... My heart is heavy with contempt! I shall call on my backyard friends to send out their midnight call to their beast counterparts to chase you down in the streets of Jersey!

This is a short list of creatures that have come close to attacking me in my back yard...

Skunks: Once last year a rogue skunk attempted to sneak up on me to no avail. Then recently word must have gotten around about my bad ass attitude to pole cats as I was tag teamed on garbage night. They won as I ran back into the house cursing the heavens for the blatant skunkduggery!

Chipmunks: Their nervy little bastards. I named them bowls and skittles... take from their names what you will.

Geese, Yes GEESE... Traitors... and they say they're Canadian...

Squirrels of the brown and grey variety!.... They perch up in my trellis and then freak out randomly that I'm underneath them. If they don't move, I can't tell they're there. STAY STILL DAMN SQUIRREL, STAY STILL!

Possum... they're evil looking things... I like that in a rodent/vermin... whatever the fuck it is. (UPDATE: Aug 24, 2008; informed that they are marsupials) See you learn something new every day... might as well had a hand grenade in it's pouch to toss at me, I might have respected him a bit more)

Rabbits... NOT FUN! They just run away... or hop away if you will

Neighbourhood cats... need I say more?

and my personal brazen favourite... RACCOONS! They're ballsy to the nth degree.

I'm waiting for the coyote I hear to show up one of these nights or wake to a wayward deer down on his luck.

I say to the powers that be... WHAT THE FUCK?

My touch hole is burning again daddy! I need some yoghurt!

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

When you are sick you have two choices... bathe or not to bathe?

I have been ill with diverticulitis... not a fun experience. Pain in the left side extremely excruciating. I have been housebound and ill. I don't know how long it's been since I've bathed... here's a Haiku of sorts...


Au Natural

Lost track of bathing
Is it four days, could be five!
It has been so long...

...that my hair is starting to go clean again.
Bitchin'

(Update: btw; the doctors finally found out it wasn't diverticulitis I was suffering from, it was a bloody hyrnia, go figure -- good old Sarnia medical system - and I had to have surgery to have that sorted out)

Interesting,eventful day yesterday. It went something like this:

I sat down to watch tv.  The show already on was stargate. I hate the show but was intrigued when I saw a black man laying on his back with a gold swirl on his forehead which prompted me to say:

I think Martha Stewart got her mits on him and said:
"You know I don't think tv has enough black men with gold swirls on their foreheads." 

So let it be and then it was so. 

I thought... I bet she walks around Manhatten and shit and thinks to herself (when she sees hobos randomly strewn about the statuesque buildings) NO NO NO, that's not right at all. It's so uneven.  Then befuddles her assistant , whatever-the-fuck-their-name-is, when Martha seemingly out of noweher blurts out :
"Quick assistant whatever-the-fuck-your-name-is, go get another hobo and put him over there... we need symmetry people" 
"Don't you know anything.?"

So I'm telling my friend Christina all of this and she's laughing... *I don't know why, I think it's sad that Martha Stewart has OCD and just uproots comfy hobos to create symmetry to quell her own spastic needs.... but anyway,*  she tells me she was going to shovel her driveway when her neighbours came out with their snow-blower, did theirs and did her driveway as well.

Which prompted her to say... it's nice they do that but I feel really guilty because they won't take money or anything(or words to that effect).  She then says:  "I want to buy a snowblower so I can do my own driveway." Then she said something that made me think about the hobos again. She says:

Christina: If I got a snowblower I'd feel I'd have to do other peoples driveways.
Kimberley: So here's what you do... you get a pickup truck and go downtown with a sign hanging off of it that says: Needed 5 hobo's for a days work. *like they do in L.A. with the illegal aliens*
Christina: Why?
Kimberley: So you can put them to work shoveling driveways out. It's a win, win, win situation.

Which I then inform her of my plan to get the hobo's to shovel driveways around her neigbourhood *which makes the hobos feel productive and gives them some exercise*  Gives her a feeling of helping the community *giving jobs to the hobo's* and the third win is her neibourhoods elderly and lazy being freed of their snowy demise* See... WIN, WIN, WIN!!!

But what do the hobo's get besides feeling productive? Well I think they should be compensated.of course.. what kind of person do you think I am? We collectively have a bunch of coupons and mismatched mittens and shit they could have. I'm sure they'd appreciate a good coupon for $100.00 off a Westinghouse stainless steel stove and well you just know they'd be thankful for the mittens.

This whole conversation led to a Martha Stewart tangent about hand shaved white aspen excelsior and hobo baskets. You know coz then they'd be symmetrical AND warm and cozy after ha hard days work shoveling snow.  Then if  they got really extra cold they could use the hand-shaved white aspen excelsior as kindling to start a  fire to keep warm. but I digress....

(On a side note my husband said there should be a sign on the other side or back of the truck that says: "Get blown by hobos for $5.00"    I didn't even tell him we didn't have a snowblower at this stage... just shovels.)

If I take the broken Jesus in my garage (his head snapped off in an untimely accident while driving)to the faith healing 23yr old paster at this church called Dunamis (www.dunamis.ca) will his head be restored to it's once former glory without any glue? That would be a miracle I'd like to witness....

There is a story involved with the Jesus... I'll explain later when the coast is clear.... lol ~:o okay.. here's the explanation...

My husband joined this church and became born again, to which I scoff as I didn't and won't. I believe what I believe, which is I believe he became born again so that I'd have something to mock... I believe it is my sole existence to mock people, including myself.

My close friends do as well. They gave me the broken Jesus (could be joseph from a nativity scene--whatever)and other religious paraphenalia which I then feel compelled to strategically place around the house and cars to see if the hubby notices... which he inevitably does.

Anyway... I put this Jesus statue (which measures about 12" high) in the van (which my friends and I call the misery machine) and well of course he noticed it but when I got into the van the next time, he was all broken necked and his head was laying in the coffee cup holder beside his body... I was alarmed. Could my husband, who is born again, been so cold hearted as to snap off Jesus' head or what? WTF? so I asked him what happened and he said that he had to turn and Jesus fell out of the cup holder and his head broke off. I was surprised that as a born again he didn't take the proper safty precautions for his saviour and belt him in the seat. So there it be, Jesus head broken off and no one will glue it back on. I keep asking hubby to take it to his pastor but he won't.... now is that anyway to treat a broken Jesus down on his luck?

My sister lured me to this site. She found it on a sleepless night after good-times at dialysis. I read a few pages of shmivejournal's journal and was hooked(even though I think shmivejournal should be spelled schmivejournal). I've spread the word at work and to anyone who will listen about this guy. I already know you know he rocks by the size of his following etc. His "F" list celebrity status amazes me.

Anyhow, I'm here more or less to read his journal and laugh my ass off. I might even try to incorporate his antics as an experiment into my somewhat less exciting life and see what develops or at the very least see how many places I get tossed out of.

I think his journal has medicinal properties, as we always feel much better after having read it. "Laughter is the best medicine" right? Might have to get it approved via the FDA -- could stand for funny diary association-- who knows.